Are you suffering in this struggling economy and more than willing to debase yourselves for a few extra bucks? Here’s a list of unethical ways to increase your tips! This list was composed as a joke, but I have seen many employees utilize these tactics—successfully.

The Optimist’s Sob Story. Your boyfriend is dead and you’re an orphan. Regardless of whether you have children or not, you are now a struggling single mother. Your imaginary ex was abusive and thankfully disappeared months ago, leaving you with a broken heart, broken dreams, and beautiful two-year-old daughter. More than anything, you’ve always wanted a family of your own, since your own parents abused you, abandoned you, and left you in foster care. You’ve had a rough life, but you’re an optimist and you believe in the power of positive thinking. You’re focusing on your baby, doing the best you can to make ends meet, and holding out hope that your Mr. Right will come along someday.

Sigh wistfully. Cash in.

The Tramp. Slutty clothes are your friend, especially in a shop with a large male clientele! Show more skin, babycakes. To really profit, crank it up a notch and channel your inner stripper!

We’re not just talking about batting your eyelashes and suggestively smirking at your male target. If you want that green, you need to get shameless. Drop your comb in front of him. Making sure he’s facing your backside (and getting the best view), bend over to grab the comb with your legs spread shoulder-width apart. Don’t bend your knees when bending. When you come back up, flip your hair and make sure you arch your back. This skill takes considerable practice, otherwise you risk falling over or giving yourself whiplash.

The Twins. No matter what department you work in, wear a low-cut shirt. Stylists and estheticians, during facial and scalp massages, be sure to lift the male clients head directly into your cleavage. Nail techs, make sure you’re leaning forward while filing to maximize the jiggling!

The Flirt. Bat your lashes. Cast sideways glances and playful smirks. Touch his shoulders when you laugh at his lame jokes, tousle his hair playfully while you cut it, and hug him before he leaves (be sure to linger). Try not to let the collective power of your coworker’s glares cause you to spontaneously burst into flames.

The Shiny. Men like shiny and sparkly women. Light reflection is the key to bigger tips, so blind those bastards with your awesomeness! You have two options here. You can put on glitter/shimmer until you feel like you’re wearing too much…then add more. If you don’t look like a female disco ball, you’re doing it wrong. Your alternative is to coat yourself in Crisco or oil. It doesn’t matter what kind—vegetable, canola, olive, baby—really, any one of them will do. Just make sure you’re good and basted. You should look like a buttered goddess.

The Naively and Obliviously Inappropriate. Don’t just be a bimbo—be the cutest, silliest, most adorable bimbo that ever walked the earth. Repeat after me: “My bra is so tight! I don’t know what happened! Do you think my breasts are getting bigger?” “I was so embarrassed! The wind just blew my skirt right up! I flashed the entire parking lot! It was the worst day ever to go commando!”

3 COMMENTS

  1. Does this mean you don’t approve?
    How about wetting down a thin white shirt?
    Or wearing a button-down shirt unbuttoned?

  2. As a male massage therapist, I don’t think these will work for me — that is until I try them and end up in prison… Definitely Not the type or increases in tips I’m looking for. LOL.

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